Questions (and Answers) for Major Labels, and the Artists Signed to Them

(Questions by VL Troy of Rap-A-Lot Records, very sarcastic answers by Iceman.)

To the Major Labels:

1. Why do ya’ll have so many A&Rs?

-Because we’re major labels, and the only way they know how to do things is to throw WAY too much money at WAY too many idiots to do WAY to little work.

2. If your gonna shelf the artist why sign him/her?

-See the answer to number one. Not that the artists are idiots, but it still applies. We at the majors firmly believe in “quantity over quality”.

3. If the artist only has one good single why not just do a singles deal?

-Good thinking! Better yet, if an artist only has one good single, we’ll let him go sell some fuckin’ ringtones! Or better yet, license his track to ‘Step Up, part 6’, or whatever the hell movie is out at the time. Even better, maybe we can get Ellen Degeneres to dance to it on her show!”

4. BET or MTV? Or stick to Youtube and Myspace?

-BET and MTV, of course. One, they cost more, so they’ve got be better. And two, there are many studies that say YouTube and MySpace reach a better audience. This means more bang for the marketing dollar. That would go against everything we believe in!

5. Smaller advance and video budget?

-See the answers to numbers 1 and 2. Throw big advances to the artists and recoup em. Shoot a big budget video, recoup that from the artist too, so they end up owing the fucking LABEL money. Wake up, kids!!!!

6. If ya’ll complain artists aren’t selling why do you keep signing more artists?

-Short answer is the same answer. MORE IS BETTER!!! Except when it’s not. Even shorter answer: because we’re major labels, and we are as slow as the fuckin Titanic when it comes to changing direction.

7. If you don’t know the artist’s track record, why sign him to a 5 album deal?

-If it’s a female artist, probably because she gave good head. If it’s a dude, probably because he uses the same coke dealer we use. We don’t know any actually TALENTED artists. And we’re fucking major labels. GATEKEEPERS. TASTEMAKERS. (INSERT OTHER STUPID-ASS BUZZWORD HERE). We can do whatever we want.

8. Why not have an independent division like Virgin/Emi, Atlantic/asylum, Universal/Universal Republic or SMC/Fontana.

-No sarcastic remark here, because anything that supports independents is probably good. Until we at the majors fuck it up too bad, that is.

9. Do you really need Timbaland or Akon to make a hit? Why not pay an up and comer a couple hundred dollars if the production is tight?

-We like Timbaland and Akon. They throw great pool parties. Besides, the more it costs, the better it’s gotta be, right? (RIIIIGHT!) Enough of this revolutionary thinking. It’s giving us a collective headache.

To the Major Label Artists:

10. Why not take 5 grand out of your advance and make your own studio, or some other worthwhile investment?

-No. We’d rather spend 40 grand on a diamond chain. It’s shiny!

11. Until that show or royalty money comes in, why spend what you don’t have?

-Ha! See the answer to number 10! Who needs to invest or save, when there are SO MANY SPINNING RIMS TO BE BOUGHT!!! They spinnin’, nigga, they spinnin!

12. Publicity stunts are OK as long as they aren’t some fake shit or can’t get you killed, right?

-You mean getting shot 9 times won’t get me the same publicity as 50 Cent?

13. Why not stop radio payola altogether?

-What?!?!?! Somebody’s gotta pay for Cadillac Jack’s new Lexus!!!!

14. Why pay an expensive celebrity DJ? Why not get a talented local DJ to spin for you on tour?

-Because it’s much better to pay FunkMaster Flex, or somebody like that. They cost more, so they GOTTA be better!!!! And Flex needs someone to pay for his car shows!!

15. While your waiting (indefinitely) for your major label release date, why not drop a street album or 2 or a couple legal mixtapes (all original music that the major won’t release and charge only 5 to 10 bucks for it)?

-Legal mixtapes. That sounds suspiciously like what independent labels do… hmm…..

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